So I won’t even lie- I had a bit of a breakdown earlier today.
Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and pressured to produce blog posts (on here & on my photography blog), social media content, products for my Etsy shop, You Tube videos for my subscribers that encourage me to keep at it…. and also still have time to document my own family & spend undistracted quality time with my husband & daughter, too.
It’s too much.
When I was in the middle of multitasking this morning, my full glass of chocolate peanut butter Shakeology spilled all over my laptop, and that’s when the tears started flowing. And because I was already feeling overwhelmed, I cried harder than I normally would have any other day.
My husband happened to be there in that moment and while helping me clean up, he suggested I take a break from blogging & social media in general because it seems to not be enhancing my life & only causing me unnecessary stress and frustration. To be quite honest, he’s right… There’s really no reason I should feel pressured to check in every day.
I appreciate those that follow my blogs, but those that really want to read it can simply subscribe and have it sent to their emails instead of waiting for me to post the link on FB or share on Instagram. (Scroll to the bottom of the page & you’ll find the box labeled “subscribe.”)
I also appreciate my YouTube subscribers, but to be honest, I can see the stats and on average, most people only watch 2-3 minutes of my 20 minute long videos…. I don’t think it’s selfish for me to say that it’s not really worth the hours I spend to create those when I could be using that time for something a little more purposeful.
I don’t want to shut down everything quite yet, but I do want a break & I know that something’s gotta go! I have to figure out what my priorities are, but I’d be a bad mother and spouse if I didn’t declare right now that tending to my own family comes before posting anything online! I can’t give Nadia the proper attention she needs if my mind is always thinking about the world wide web… and I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m starting to feel like a fly stuck in that web! I’m getting unstuck, y’all. 😉
So after my sticky-almost-ruined-computer incident, I deleted the social media apps from the homepage of my phone, turned off any notifications that were on, and kept my computer shut down until right now.
I took Nadia outside, and we played games in the backyard- silly made up games that we’ve never played before. We soaked in the sun. And we laughed…. hard.
I thought, “This is it. This is what I want.”
I walked over to my garden. It’s a pathetic sight. It was looking great until it rained for weeks on end, and now it’s completely and totally overgrown. I started talking to God while I was over there in my garden. It was a simple conversation.
What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?
He brought me to the point of feeling His Presence in such fullness that I took off my sandals, knowing I was walking on Holy ground. In the quiet, He said, “Circle the garden.”
As I walked around and around, this is what He said:
“Marybeth, do you see all these weeds? This is what your life looks like right now. All the worry, all the pressure, every bit of stress you put on yourself- Those are all the weeds. And look. There is fruit underneath them all… The problem is, you’ve allowed that fruit to become buried.”
He’s right- always is. In my overgrown, unpruned, weed-filled garden, there are ripe tomatoes hidden underneath all the life-suffocating plants that have grown faster than I could keep up with them.
It will take quite a bit of time, but I need to weed out my own garden. That may mean no social media posts & no new videos. It might also just mean I have to learn how to simplify. Let those that truly care to keep up with my writing and my photography come to me instead of me always going to others.
When God says He wants us to have hearts like a servant, it doesn’t mean constantly catering to others and not tending to our own needs. I think it would be very wise for me to take some time to disconnect from the creation to keep connected to the Creator.
It will be worth it. The world doesn’t need any more unpruned gardens.