On Caring.
Sometimes the personality (or enneagram/zodiac/whateverelseyoucanusetodescribeme) type I have drives me absolutely crazy & gets the best of me. My incessant need to please everyone and myself at the same time with expectations that are unattainably high is enough to make me shrink down farther than necessary and give up before I even give whatever it is I want to do my very best shot. I care too much about everything. I say I don’t take things too seriously, but then why do I overthink my every move when it comes to things like blogging or Instagram posts? Or when I’ve taken photos that I LOVE but are afraid no one else will so I silence them before they can ever speak to another soul?
Why can’t I just run with my thoughts and live by the rule that if it’s not going to hurt anyone and it’s something I feel like trying or sharing or writing, then I should just DO it without caring so dang much about the outcome?
I care that no one reads my blog…. and I care that SOMEONE actually does read my blog.
I care that my Instagram posts that receive the most love are of the things I care the least about.
I care that I can’t write as well or paint as beautifully or parent as wonderfully as other people can, and simultaneously I care that no one knows that I care about those things and I care about not wanting to care about the things I care about.
It’s RIDICULOUS. But also beautifully deflating to write that here for anyone to read.
Assuming anyone even cares to read this blog. 😉
Oy. That being said, I’ve said this for YEEEEEEEEEARS over and over and over in as many ways as possible. But I do want to use this blog again. It’s not going to always be pretty with photos and fun stories and well-edited writing. My brain doesn’t work that way. My brain is usually filled with fluff and stuff and non-linear thoughts. It’s mildly jumbled, just like the rest of my life, but it’s comfortable to me because I know no other way to think, write, and do. I run with the radical and let the static break into a full picture every now and then and hope there is someone out there that has stuck it out long enough to get to the point where there’s something anything worth watching in me.
So welcome to my journal.
On What I’m Creatively Working Towards.
Freedom, simply put. I’m workin towards creating with my gut instinct rather than by seeking outward influence prior to pushing the camera shutter or picking up my paintbrush or opening my journal. If you’ve been following my Instagram account, you know I’ve been sharing pages from my handmade art journal. THAT has been fueling me in ways I never anticipated. I don’t feel like delving into that right now so I’ll save it for another day. But what no one has really seen is the other 365 (or 366 rather- leap year!) day journal I’m keeping. I signed up for Riet Poch‘s class The Painted Diaries at the end of last year as a way to stretch me creatively, knowing full well that some months I’ll have to explore art forms that are either unfamiliar to me, or, well, something I don’t enjoy doing. We kicked off the year with a prompt that falls into the latter category. BUT, after a couple weeks I learned how to do it my own way. Ideally, we were supposed to use magazine cutouts and do repetitive drawing (i.e. zentangle style ink drawings) along with it. But the problem is twofold: 1. I have a GREAT deal of trouble cutting out magazine images and drawing on or around them because the photographer in me knows how long it takes to get the photo lit correctly, edited, etc. and considering that, I feel the image is the art itself and anything I may add to it is almost blasphemous. I know it sounds extreme, but those are just my honest thoughts. (Not that anyone is necessarily doing anything wrong by using them- once they’re published it’s free game. It’s just a personal thing I can’t seem to get past no matter how many times I’ve tried.) And 2. Repetitive line drawing is calming and stress-reducing for some but for me it’s actually stress-INducing and causes me mild anxiety-like symptoms. Soooooo…
I finally got it “right” by avoiding cutting out magazine images and also by using watercolors or stamps to create repetitive patterns on the page. It doesn’t follow the exact prompt specifications, but it’s my own and 14 days in, I learned to enjoy what I signed up for. 🙂 And as a good art teacher does, Riet was kind to send us all an email encouraging us to spin the prompt in whatever way we wish. Who knows what the rest of the year holds, but so far I’ve already learned that it’s okay to do my own thing and find what works. Personally, I’ve always done better when I break out of the box.
I suppose that’s why I’m a Type 4. 😉
